Just ONE Thing
Want More? Stop Beating Yourself Up for Where You Are Now
Episode 276
with Rick White, 180BIZ
Good morning. My name is Rick White from 180BIZ, and this is my Just ONE Thing.
So here's the contradiction I've really been struggling with. You know, it doesn't seem like they should go together. Like, we... I've been really thinking through expectations, right?
We need expectations because expectations help us grow. If I don't expect anything for myself, if I don't expect more for myself, my team, my business, or my life, why would I change? Why would anything change? But I've also heard that expectations are the source of all misery, and I actually believe it's expectations and stories, the stories we tell ourselves, that create our misery.
I believe that true as well. So the question I started asking myself was: Do expect—expectations help us grow, or do they make us miserable?
And I've really been noodling this, because I believe at times both are true. But really, it's neither one. See, I think expectations create a gap, and it's our relationship with that gap that determines whether it produces growth or misery. Listen closely. Again, I know this is gonna be a little heavy, but I think someone needs to hear this today.
See, I think the first thing we gotta do is start with desire, right? Desire is simply saying, "I want something." I think it's a great driver. I want a better business. I want a stronger marriage. I want more freedom. I wanna become a better leader. I want a better life. There's nothing wrong with wanting more.
Desire gives you and I something to move towards. The problem isn't wanting something, right, that you don't currently have. See, but then on the other side of this, there's need. See, need is different. Why do I say that? Because desire says, "I want this"; need says, "This is necessary. I have to have it."
If I'd like to make more money so I can buy a nicer car, that's desire. But if my kids haven't eaten and I need money to buy groceries, that's a need, and that's real. But that's a much deeper driver. There's a real consequence if that need isn't met.
But here's what I'm realizing. Every need, even need, doesn't require misery. Like, I can say, "My kids need food. I don't have the money right now. This is where I am. What am I gonna do about it?" Or I can say, "My kids need food. What kind of father can't feed his kids? I'm a failure. How did I let this happen?"
Same need, same reality, same gap. See, this is where the gap comes in. Here's where I am. There's where I want or need to be. And between those two places is a gap. The gap itself isn't good or bad. It's just information, right?
I tell people all the time that setting goals is all about gap management. That's what it is. But you need to understand that it's just information. It tells you something is different between your current reality and your desired or necessary reality. The question is, what do you do with that information?
See, this has gotta be the hardest part. Can I look at my life, can you look at your life exactly as it is today and say, "This is where I am"? Not looking ahead and saying, "This is where I should be." Do you see what I'm saying? Right? Not, "I can't believe I'm still here." Right? Not, "This is what I deserve or you deserve."
Just, "This is where I am." Acceptance isn't saying I'm happy about it. Acceptance isn't saying I want to stay here. Acceptance isn't settling. It's simply refusing to argue with what is already true. You can shake your fist all you want; it does not change your circumstances. You can kick your ass, and it will not change your circumstances.
What you've got to be able to do is, you gotta be able to accept where you are and still desperately want to change it. That's okay. See, responsibility is different from judgment or blame. This is where I think you and I get confused sometimes. You think if you stop beating yourself up, you're going to stop pushing.
That's not true. So you use judgment as a fuel: "I screwed this up. You should be further along. I should know better. I'm not good enough." But I can take complete responsibility for my circumstances without making, listen to this carefully, without making my circumstances a statement about my worth, about who I am.
Your circumstances are simply a location. They are not a destination, not unless you decide. Responsibility says, "What am I gonna do about it?" Not blame, responsibility. Doesn't matter whose fault it is. What am I gonna do about it?
Desire says, "I want"; need says, "It's necessary." Entitlement says, "I'm owed it." This is another place where misery can live, because you can work hard, make good choices, learn the skills, pursue what you want without belief, without believing that life owes you the outcome. You can control what you do with the opportunity.
You can't demand the result that life gives you. You can't demand it, right? You can't demand what you expect. It doesn't work that way. So what actually creates growth? See, now I think the pieces are starting to fit together. Desire creates the pull: "I want something." Need can create urgency: "Something important requires action."
Expectation creates the picture. I can see where I wanna be or where you wanna be, but see, that creates the gap. Here's where I am. Here's where I wanna be. Then comes the choice. I can judge myself for being here, or I can accept where I am without judgment and ask, "What do I need to learn, change, or do next?"
That's growth. That's progress. That is the juice of life. That's what's amazing, okay? And there's actually, I think, a bigger perspective, right? There's one more piece I've been thinking about, and I'm gonna go a little dark, guys, for a second. I apologize, but I think it's important to have this. There's one more piece I've been thinking about because I watched it happen with my dad.
I've never watched someone die before, but I was there when my dad did. And everything he fought for, worked for, accumulated, worried about, and protected fiercely stayed here. He couldn't take any of it with him. Guess what? Neither can I, and neither can you. That doesn't mean none of it matters. I think it does because I think it helps us become better versions of ourselves.
But it means we need to be really careful about how much meaning we give it. By all means, build something. By all means, make money. By all means, grow your business and take care of your family and become better, want more, and enjoy what you build. But don't make getting those things the proof that you matter.
You're the only one that's ever gonna be here the way you are. Nobody else. There's only one you. So don't let stuff prove you matter, because eventually all the stuff stays here, all of it. So maybe the goal isn't to stop wanting more, and it's certainly not to pretend you don't have real needs, 'cause we do.
I think the goal is learning to pursue both without using where you are today as evidence of who you are, right? You can need something and not be ashamed that you need it. You can want something and be okay without it. You can expect more and accept where you are. You can see the gap and not judge yourself for being in it.
You can take full responsibility for closing it without kicking yourself along the way. And maybe that's the piece that I've been missing. Maybe you too. You don't need misery to create motivation. Want can drive you. Need can drive you. Purpose can drive you. Responsibility can drive you. You don't have to hate where you are to become who you want to be.
And in the end, maybe the goal isn't simply to have more. Maybe it's to become more while remembering that eventually almost everything you work so hard for, right, to get stays behind. And I think that's the story today. So take care of you, take care of your family, take care of your team, but don't use what you get as a ruler for who you are.
Okay? I truly believe the good Lord made us goal-seeking missiles. But they're there to help us grow and to become better versions of ourselves. So guys, I hope this makes sense.
If you're struggling with this and would like to talk with me, please feel free to text me, or go to my calendar and set up a time. Shannon will put the calendar link in the comment section. But also, if this resonated with you, we need your help to get the message out. Please share this video, because there are people so miserable and bitter because they think that gap is an indication of who they are, and that is the biggest lie we can tell ourselves.
You have worth. You have inherent worth. Nothing you say or do will ever change that. You make a difference being you. So go out there, be you, make a difference this week. Okay, guys? And I'll see you next week. Go make some money. Bye-bye.
